My two days as a cat (Her Times)

Today was sick day #2 for me -- which is more sick days than I've had in...oh...four years now. As if strep throat wasn't enough, seems I picked up a cold to add insult to injury. I feel like a giant germ magnet at this point.

For two days now I've been living a cat's life, alternating eating with sleeping and visiting the restroom. Occasionally I stare outside longingly.

I've learned a few things after laying around on the couch for two full days:

1. Not only is "Law & Order" on every single night of the week, but it's also on at 2 p.m. -- great timing for teens arriving home from school who want to unwind by absorbing a little senseless violence, rape and torture.

2. Even if you don't watch a soap opera for years on end, you will still be able to follow the plot lines and characters. On "Days of Our Lives," Patch is still with Kayla, Bo is still with Hope, John is still with Marlene. And, it still takes 18 months for someone to recover from a minor head injury and three years for a soap opera child to go from infant to sexually-active teen.

3. The mail comes at 3:23 p.m. -- like clockwork.

4. My neighbors' lives are as boring in the winter as my cats' lives.

5. The Do-Not-Call list really works. When I was on maternity leave five years ago, my days were filled with calls from telemarketers. The only phone call I got in the last two days was an invitation to the Bill Clinton speech at East High school tomorrow.

6. My fluffy, comfy couch gets really, really uncomfortable after hours of lying around on it. Cats know this -- it's why they change sleeping locations throughout the day.

7. Elisabeth on "The View" is not so cute anymore. She's just annoying -- judgmental, opinionated and snotty. No wonder everyone keeps leaving the show. I could only watch it for a few minutes -- imagine living that.

8. I need to get my uber-expensive family beach portrait reframed under UV glass or it's going to fade in the terrarium that is my living room. I really should've have been so window-happy in there.

9. There's a little black spider living in the northwest corner of my living room -- going about his little spider life -- which appears to be about as exciting as my neighbors' and my cats' lives.

10. I'd never make it as a cat. I'd hang myself from the nearest scratching post.

Here's my fat cat, Chloe: