I have several friends who are going through divorces right now. Some are amicable, some are nasty, some are bitter, most involve cheating spouses, but all of them are just extremely sad. Regardless of how it ends or how much it needed to end, it has to be really painful for everyone involved.
I mean, even if you hate the jerk and you want his lying, cheating ass out of your house -- if he's the father of your children, there's a serious loss there -- for the spouse and the kids. I imagine anyone would mourn the loss of future they thought they would have (and were cheated out of).
I have a friend who just emailed me yesterday and mentioned that she and her husband have decided to divorce (well, he decided..is how she put it). She's young. I don't even know if she's over 30 yet. She married her H.S. sweetheart and they started a family right away. Her youngest is in 1st grade.
She told me that she hadn't told anyone yet -- not even her family. And, that she didn't really have a lot of friends to talk to about it because she doesn't like to bring her personal life to work. She says it's been her experience that too many women derive some sort of pleasure from other women's misfortune.
Sadly, I know she's right. Too many women use other womens' bad news to feel better about their own lives. When I see it, I recognize it immediately for what it is -- sad, pathetic insecurity. If you need to put down another woman to feel better about who you are, don't do it to me. I won't tolerate it. (I'm not saying I've never gossiped...we all do that..but I avoid any sort of mean-spirited stuff).
ANYWAY....back to my friend. I wasn't really sure what to tell her. I advised her to find a trusted girlfriend and spill her guts. I asked a divorced friend I know to email her and send her some advice. But...really? what do you say when your friend tells you it's over? How can you be supportive?
What did I say? Well...I told her this...
"People will talk. You know that's coming, but...you can rise above it. When the word is out, just say...'yes, it's true...It's not what I thought my life was going to be like, but I'm dealing with it.' "I also told her that I really believe honesty is usually the best policy. You can put on a brave face, but..I think it's better just to admit...yeah, it hurts...it sucks...I really hate this ... and I'd rather you not kick me when I'm down."
If you've got experience with this topic...chime in (you can remain anonymous..or use your initials or whatever!). Divorce seems to be theme in my life these days and I want to know how to help the girlfriends!
Comments (2)
Michelle has zero experience in this category... Unless you can count friends with divorcing parents? Then I do. Sometimes people just need someone to confide in... and sometimes all you need to do is listen to them. Other times, words of reassurance are necessary... "You will get through this." PRAYER! PRAYER! PRAYER! Offer to pray with them... Pray for them... Put simply, pray. That's all I got.
Posted by Michelle F. | July 2, 2008 5:13 PM
Posted on July 2, 2008 17:13
When your child is born, she begins a new life.
You do not say, "How do you feel?" or "Everything will be ok".
This kid was doing just fine in a warm environment, all needs being met, fed without cooking or chewing, and lots of pats and reassurance on the belly of the house.
(temperature controlled environment; good life)
Divorce is a new life too.
Everything changes.
And as a baby would not understand languages we employ, the newly divorced is a novice at singlehood anew.
If you put a bomb under a person at the moment divorce becomes a "for-real-this-is-happening-to-me" moment, then,....blast it!!!!,.....
and watch as all the pieces of the person fly 30,000 feet into the air, it borderlines the feeling of the dumpee.
The dumper has long ago left the marriage and has dealt with "goodbye", without mentioning it is coming to a heart near you soon.
(Don't worry, they get to deal with guilt down the road as dumpee recovers, and blooms and the loss of what they gave away becomes apparent to dumper).
The divorced dumpee is standing in spirit under that bomb blast and looking at the downward drift of all that is "them".
They flap, they struggle, they cry, they are depressed, but they recognize what makes up them.
As their heart softly drifts within reach, they grasp it and stuff it inside where it belongs.
"There comes my brain", they see,....and grab IT and stuff it in too.
Gathering your blown up parts is not easy stuff to do.
Soon, the soul drifts down, from the blast into the skies, and again, the divorcing person reaches out to collect what is theirs.
In the precise moment that a soul is stuffed back inside where it belongs, the brain flies out and takes off for the skies.
When the brain filters down and is grasped and stuffed back in, the heart takes off.
Randomly, each time you catch a part and put it back, another part you think you have under control, escapes and the process starts again.
"I can't collect all my parts!!!!", says the soon to go crazy person. For crazy time has set in.
Emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, grandchildren, Christmas celebration, the bathroom, money, job, friends, flesh-that-became-one..... ALL have to be sliced and diced and separated. They are, but with surprises never expected with each cut.
This person is in trauma.
They are a walking dead person almost like Hiroshima victims on the outer edge of nuclear blast there in Japan.
Unless you are God, you are powerless to restore life, or create new life. Step aside.
HE is already taking his destroyed child (both him and her, btw) and planting them in cold soil and darkness, and wet with tears, to bloom, down the road, as a new flower to enjoy.
BUT, as your friend stands there in disbelief, humiliation, trauma, shattered, bent, stapled, and mutilated,.....you stand there too.
Tell your friend that it takes a long time to gather all their parts and become a person again. And those parts are slippery suckers and will escape over and over after the blast and seem like they will never stay put.
Tell your friend "you will help them gather all their parts one at a time, by being nearby and watching as they do, what can only be done, by themselves".
Suddenly, they are NOT alone.
And for a divorcing person who is being jettisoned into loneliness, your offer to them to NOT be alone counts BIG TIME.
I once told a gal to call me at any time for any reason.
She did; at 2:00 am.
There was not a sound on the other end of the line. Just silence. Maybe 2 full minutes.
Finally, she said: "It's our anniversary and he is with someone. I just needed to know someone is there. Thanks".
My total input was "hello" and "your welcome".
But I could hear a canyon of hurt in those 2 minutes of silence too.
Baby Jessica fell down the pipes in Texas and needed rescue. But the rescuers knew that one miscalculation and the child would plummet so deep as to be impossible to rescue at all.
They came and drilled in from below; now a fall would put that child right into their arms and she would be safe.
Tell your friend you are right below them and not to worry about a fall. It doesn't matter if they fall (they will). YOU will catch them!
It takes some of the trembling out of being in the confined corridors of divorcing.......
the time when you are not single, and not married.
You are not whole, nor totally shattered.
You are not alive, but not dead.
You are in darkness in the middle of a summer day.
You are alone in the middle of a crowd.
But ALL of that was true when you were single before marriage.
And, all of that is true for a married person at some point.
And all of it is true for after marriage, whether as a divorced, or widowed.
No offense to your audience, but widowed is far easier to pull off.
Helping your friend in divorce has just begun.
Prepare for the long haul of friendship now.
Posted by Danny Lucas | July 5, 2008 9:24 AM
Posted on July 5, 2008 09:24