Yesterday Autumn started a new room at "school." Keith took her to school yesterday and they arrived later in the day than normal, so it wasn't a good test of the first time Autumn had to go past her old rooms, including the one where Ms. J teaches. Nearly every morning for the past few months, Autumn has started the day on Ms. J's lap, eating Cheerios.
This morning it seemed she might just walk down the hall to her new room. She likes it. She likes the teachers there. But she loves Ms. J. So she stopped. She waved. I mistakingly let her in the gate to go give Ms. J a hug. Then she didn't want to leave. So Ms. J walked with her down the hall to her new room and all was fine until Ms. J went to go back to her own room. Then came the tears. After a while she calmed down, but when I went to leave, they started all over again.
I felt so bad for her because I know how much she loves Ms. J and how much Ms. J loves her in return. It's very special. I wish I could keep Ms. J with her until she leaves and goes to kindergarten, but that's not even a remotely practical thought. It's just that my heart breaks because hers is breaking.
She'll recover and I will, too. But we're going to go through this again, and I'm not just talking about tomorrow morning when she wants to go see Ms. J again. As she gets bigger, there will be a time when a kid isn't nice to her and maybe he or she picks on Autumn or makes fun of her. I'll want to hurt that child. Likewise with the first kid who breaks her heart. I'll want to hurt him, too.
I just want to wrap Autumn's little, loving heart up in a big cocoon and take all her problems away. But it can't happen -- not with missing Ms. J and now with the boy who will break her heart. Unfortunately, it's all part of the growing up process and it's all things that will make us stronger in the long run.
But for now, can't I just kiss it and make it all better?