Who knew the Bears would have a 1986 flashback? I even thought I spotted Lovie Smith on the sideline wearing a Jim McMahon-vintage headband at one point in the second half. Who knew the Browns would mistakenly install their third-week-of-the-preseason game plan in their mammoth opener against the Cowboys? Who knew the Steelers and Eagles would make Pennsylvania football look like the varsity against the rest of the NFL's jayvees?
I sure didn't, but I managed to pull of a fairly respectable 12-4 showing straight up on opening, with a somewhat less impressive 9-7 record against the spread.
Here's the breakdown, and go easy -- I've already been called a "meat head" today on a Pitt football message board.
The Pick: Bengals (-1 ½) at Ravens: Both teams have issues. Only one has an Ocho Cinco. Bengals, veinte-diez (20-10)
The Reality: Ravens, 17-10. Who knew Joe Flacco was the quarterback savior Brian Billick always prayed for?
The Pick: Jets (-3) at Dolphins: Brett Favre gets to make his Jets debut on the road against last year's worst team. Perfect. Jets, 28-17
The Reality: Jets, 20-14. I'm one step closer to a free steak dinner from the guy who bet me the Dolphins would be 5-4 after nine games.
The Pick: Chiefs at Patriots (-16): Brady, schmady. Alex Trebeck could quarterback the Pats to a win today against KC's defense. Patriots, 31-14
The reality: Patriots, 17-10. New England had no chance to cover once The Great Impregnator went down. No more 16-point spreads for the Pats.
The pick: Texans at Steelers (-6 ½): Houston will be better than a lot of people think. Steelers 20, Texans 17
The reality: Steelers, 38-17: Still waiting for a Steeler fan to step forward with the courage to say he or she called this blowout from out of the blue.
The pick: Jaguars (-3) at Titans: This is a dangerous opener for the Jags, who have Super Bowl aspirations. Titans, 21-17
The reality: Titans, 17-10. Okay, yeah, I am a little proud of myself for picking this mild upset. But just a little.
The pick: Lions (-3) at Falcons: Atlanta's leaky D turns Matt Ryan's debut into the Jon Kitna-Roy Williams-Calvin Johnson show. Lions, 34-28
The reality: Falcons, 34-21. I sat in the pressbox in Cleveland and watched this thing unfold, having happy flashbacks to Steve Bartkowski and William Andrews while watching the Falcons offense go nuts. Then I remembered I picked the Lions and I punched myself in the head.
The pick: Seahawks at Bills (-1): Good timing for the Bills, who will catch Seattle's running game before it finds it legs. Bills, 23-17
The reality: Bills, 34-10. Okay. yeah, I'm a little proud of myself for jumping on the Bills bandwagon during the offseason. Nice start against a Seahawks team that can't really be this bad, can it?
The pick: Bucs at Saints (-3): Drew Brees and Co. get early leg up in matchup of NFC South favorites. Saints, 27-24
The reality: Saints, 24-20. Okay, yeah, I'm a little proud of myself for drafting Drew Brees, who looked a lot like 2006 Drew Brees against a decent Bucs defense.
The pick: Rams at Eagles (-7 ½): Donovan McNabb's exit tour in Philly begins with a vintage performance. Eagles, 31-20
The reality: Eagles, 38-3. Yes, I'm an Eagles fan from way back. No, I didn't see this kind of a blowout coming in my wildest, most delusional fan flashback dream. But I liked it.
The pick: Cowboys (-5 ½) at Browns: Browns' devastating preseason injury came late this year, but it still came. Cowboys, 28-24
The reality: Cowboys, 28-10. Was that Tim Couch and Travis Prentice playing cornerback for the Browns on Sunday?
The pick: Panthers at Chargers (-9): Even without Shawne Merriman at full strength, Bolts have that look this season. Chargers, 30-21
The reality: Panthers, 26-24. Every year I count out the Panthers, and every year they beat someone they shouldn't early in the season to make me look like an idiot before slinking back to utter mediocrity.
The pick: Cardinals (-2 ½) at 49ers: A pair of perennial underachievers with shaky QB situations could provide great nap fodder. Cardinals, 17-13
The reality: Cardinals, 23-13. If you watched this game it's only because your prescription sedative refill expired.
The pick: Bears at Colts (-10): Manning, schmanning. Vanna White could quarterback the Colts to a win today against Chicago's defense. Colts, 27-17
The reality: Bears, 29-13. The Bears' token monster defensive game. They'll take the next few weeks off to evaluate Kyle Orton's throwing mechanics.
Monday's games
The pick: Vikings at Packers (-2 ½): The post-Brett era begins in Green Bay with a win. Packers, 23-19
The reality: Packers, 24-19. Aaron Rodgers attains full-fledged Cheesehead status.
The pick: Broncos (-3) at Raiders: Everybody's AFC darling vs. everybody's AFC whipping post. Advantage, Jay Cutler. Broncos, 24-21
The reality: Broncos, 41-14. One of my buddies suggested earlier today that Jay Cutler looks like last year's Tony Romo. Of course, we also have Cutler as backup quarterback on our fantasy team.
Straight up: 12-4
Spread: 9-7