The room is spinning. Your lips feel funny. The Browns suddenly are starting to resemble a real NFL team.
No, you're not hallucinating and you haven't been smoking. (You haven't, right?)
You're just a little upset drunk.
It's a common condition during this young NFL season, when teams with seemingly no chance to win have done it anyway, throwing the league into a parity-infused tailspin that has people wondering if maybe, just maybe, the 1-4 Chiefs have a chance of smacking down the unbeaten Titans this Sunday.
Last weekend produced one colossal upset -- the Browns' 35-14 whipping of the defending Super Bowl champion Giants -- and a few lesser ones, including the Rams over the Redkins, the Cardinals over the Cowboys and the Jaguars over the Broncos.
Normally each of those outcomes would be enough to punctuate a single NFL weekend. But all four of them happened within a 36-hour span.
Crazy league. Good thing my mortgage isn't riding on my picks. (No, honey, it's really not. It's riding on my golf game, instead.)
On to last week's results...
Last week
Straight up: 10-4
Spread: 10-4
Season
Straight up: 59-29
Spread: 54-34
The pick: Raiders at Saints (-7 ½): Neither team plays much defense, and the Saints can really score. Saints, 27-17
The reality: Saints, 34-3. Al Davis is still in Oakland, which explains the lack of improvement.
The pick: Ravens at Colts (-4 ½): Crossroads game for the Colts, who have not looked much like a playoff team. Colts, 21-16
The reality: Colts, 31-3. Remember these Colts? The ones who could score? And play defense? And win the Super Bowl?
The pick: Bengals at Jets (-6): Could this be the day Brett Favre and Co. put up 70? Jets, 33-20
The reality: Jets, 26-14. Marvin Lewis is a really nice guy. And that's the best thing anyone can say about him right now.
The pick: Panthers at Bucs (-1 ½): Bucs can get a piece of the NFC South lead with a win. Bucs, 17-14.
The reality: Bucs, 27-3. Recent history suggests when the Panthers hit rock bottom, they don't bounce.
The pick: Lions at Vikings (-13): So firing Matt Millen didn’t exactly produce a quick turnaround in Detroit. Vikings, 35-6.
The reality: Vikings, 12-10. A score Bud Grant could truly appreciate.
The pick: Bears (-3) at Falcons: If Kyle Orton’s beard gets any longer he will look like one of the battlefield extras from Braveheart. Falcons, 21-20
The reality: Falcons, 22-20. Point to the Bears and repeat after me -- Over-Rated.
The pick: Dolphins at Texans (-3): If you believe the Dolphins are really better, this is a game they should win. Dolphins, 24-21
The reality: Texans 29-28. And just when we had started drinking the Parcells kool-aid.
The pick: Rams at Redskins (-13 ½): It’s tempting to think the Redskins will have a letdown, but, remember, this is the Rams. Redskins, 27-17
The reality: Rams, 19-17. So the Rams aren't as godawful as they seemed -- at least that's what the Redskins hope.
The pick: Jaguars at Broncos (-3 ½): You know Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall were paying attention to the way the Steelers carved up Jacksonville’s secondary. Broncos, 35-23
The reality: Jaguars, 24-17. Another one of those head-scratching results from a season that's had quite a few of them.
The pick: Eagles (-5) at 49ers: With Phillies-mania gripping the City of Brotherly Love, the Eagles could lose by 40 today and a lot of people wouldn’t notice. Eagles, 31-20
The reality: Eagles, 40-26. The Mike Nolan death watch is on.
The pick: Cowboys (-5) at Cardinals: Matchup of old NFC East rivals comes with high stakes this time. Cardinals, 28-24
The reality: Cardinals, 30-24. Arizonans would have taken a month of snow for a win like this.
The pick: Packers at Seahawks (-2 ½): Mike Holmgren, the quarterback guru, gets an up-close look at Aaron Rodgers. Seahawks, 23-20
The reality: Packers 27-17. When the Seahawks are losing at home to average teams you know they're in a lot of trouble.
The pick: Patriots at Chargers (-6): The Chargers already have a season’s worth of bad losses. They can’t afford another one. Chargers, 28-20
The reality: Chargers, 30-10. Let's all say it togther -- We've been waiting for the Chargers to play like this.
The pick: Giants (-8) at Browns: Because no one will give them a chance, and they’re due for a breakout. Browns, 27-24
The reality: Browns, 35-14. Let's all say it togther -- We've been waiting for the Browns to play like this.
-- John Dudley