My dog is a genius. Anyone who knows me knows that I believe this to be true - whole heartedly. So naturally, I could barely contain myself when I picked up the Saturday edition of the Erie Times News only to read this blaring headline: “How Smart is Your Pet?” The answer to that, I learned, I could find in the Sunday edition of Parade Magazine. An IQ test for my dog? Lord, I had never thought of that. Imagine the possibilities? I immediately alerted my children. Tomorrow, I told them, is going to be a big day.

The anticipation mounted. I felt like Ralphie waiting for my Orphan Annie secret decoder ring. Bright and early Sunday morning I poured through the newspaper and pulled out the Parade section. What’s this? Not only is the IQ test non-existent – but the article challenges my own intelligence by answering such burning questions as: “How smart is the average elephant?” or “Can your monkey do that?” Since I have neither an elephant nor a monkey – the challenge was on. I had to find my own Doggie IQ Test, and fast.

Turns out, there are others like me who want to know if their dog is a candidate for Harvard. Other attention-starved individuals with little better to do. Sorry, I do mean me – not you. Unflappable, head to my basement computer where my favorite Internet Search Engine quickly finds me the perfect IQ test. Six simple tasks. So easy, even a cat can do it.

Rocco has an education. And for this, I have paid dearly. Sweat equity. Countless hours of sit, down, stay, leave it, get it, heal, yes, no, good, bad, lets go, no stay, wait, um hang on, do, don’t do, good doggie, bad doggie….well, you get the idea. Eight months of PetSmart Puppy School and Rocco is not only a Beginner graduate, but an Intermediate one too. One more level to go and this dog – once abandoned, and later found in a cardboard box outside of the Humane Society – could one day be a Therapy Dog. I drool at the possibilities...

Testing commenced in less than 15 minutes. For the most part, it was a walk in the park. How long does it take your dog to find a snack underneath a towel? Puh-leeze. Ate the towel in 5 seconds flat. The snack? Annihilated. Next: Call your pooch, but instead of using his name, use a moniker, like “refrigerator.” Duh. This dog is no dummy, although, to be honest, he has answered to “dummy” in the past. As Rocco breezed through the test, I stressed my own level of genius to the kids. “This is why you should always listen to your mother. This dog is a freaking genius!” The gloating felt good.

We ease our way to Task Number Six: Place a dog treat underneath a tin can. In 5 seconds or less, if your dog is truly worthy of the Rin Tin Tin Hall of Fame, he’ll knock over the can, and devour the treat. Okay, maybe I dug too deep. I got cocky. Those five seconds turned into one minute, which turned into five minutes, then an hour, and ultimately failure. I regrouped, and pressed on. I’ll simply show him how it’s done, and try again. Okay, take two. This time he didn’t even try. He lay there, exchanging glances between the can, and me, then the can, and back to me. “Well, if you’re giving up, so am I.” Hours pass and we all break for lunch. The test is a distant memory until we hear the sound of a can tinking on ceramic tile. Redemption! Rocco the wonder dog!

Apparently, I was barking up the wrong tree. Turns out, George - our three year old orange tabby cat - is the true family genius. As he sat there in front of the tin can he tipped over with his tiny paw, it was very clear. Yes, indeed. A Doggie IQ test - so easy - even a cat can do it.

As always, I enjoy hearing from you. Email me anytime at Pat.VanZandt@wsee.tv

For Diehard Cleveland Browns fans, it is much-deserved a win. A victory for one of the NFL’s most notorious losers. And, I can comfortably say this about my team, because, since I was old enough to say the word football, I’ve always been a Browns fan. My tears run orange and brown, depending upon the loss – whether it’s home or away. But there is hope, my fellow fans. No, not in the form of Brady Quinn, or LeCharles Bentley – but with the birth of Steely McBeam.

Anyone over age 6 has to think this steroid-induced fresh face from the steel city is a total reject. Castaway from Bob the Builder? Offspring of Paul Bunyon? The verdict is still out. Admittedly, I am pretty jaded when it comes to the Pittsburgh Steelers. So, in all things fair, I took my curiosity to the Blurbs in the ‘Burg to find out exactly what the natives are thinking. Turns out, I’m right. They ain’t diggin’ the guy holdin' the beam. Here are just a few alternative names for the Man of Steel that bloggers posted online: Jaundice McYellowface, Steely McLaidoff, Dopey McStupid, Steely McGayerson, Dummy McDumbass, Settie McOnfire, and Steamy McTurd… Their words, not mine. But the reality is this: Once the Pixburgh’eze gets to him, none of this matters because he’ll forever be known as Stilly McBim, anyway.

The thoughts continue to flow. One blogger writes that even the most vicious Dawg Pound fan would have come up with a less shameless idea… Another worries that the franchise named its mascot like an 8 year old child names a new pet hermit crab: “Look ma, it’s Pinchy McShell” or, “Hey, check out my new Hermie McCrab!” Others suggest that Steely is probably union, so why not just call him Coffee McBreak? Many more find relief in knowing how Bill Cowher’s chin will spend its time, now that he’s retired…

E’nuf trash talking for one day. I’ll leave it for the field, come Sunday, September 9th, when the Dawg Pound and the Irish lad, clad in plaid, battle it out on game day.

As always, I enjoy hearing from you. Email me anytime at Pat.VanZandt@wsee.tv