Yesterday I told you how I stopped to walk during the 1/2 marathon run Sunday -- something I'd never done in 10 years of racing.
It wasn't the only first that day. I also, for the first time ever, had these thoughts in my head, "I'm sick of this. I hate this crap (only I didn't say crap). I'm sick of running.I'm sick of racing. I hate all of this."
Granted this was about mile 9 of what was shaping up to be a tough 1/2 marathon for me, but it freaked me out because, frankly, the thought of not being a runner scares the hell out of me. Running permeates every aspect of my life. It's who I am. It's the first word I'd used to describe myself.
And, there I was...starting to hate the very thing that I've always loved most.
I was hurting. I gave it my all on Sunday. I was afraid my competitors were gaining. I knew which women in my age group I needed to look out for and I wasn't sure how far ahead of them I was. I had my splits written on my hand and I was slowly, slowly falling farther and farther from my pace. I wanted that 1:45 and I was letting myself down again.
With some time to think about it I realize now where I went wrong. I became competitive. I let it get too serious. I got caught up in trying to keep up in a more competitive age group. I took something that I used to do to feel better about myself and made it into something that made me feel bad about myself (by setting difficult goals I couldn't reach).
I've always run for two primary reasons -- for stress relief and to fit into a size 8. Running has always made me feel better -- it made life seem easier, made me feel more positive, gave me patience, let me be free and gave me precious "me" time to be alone with my thoughts and work things out in my head. But, lately, running had been making me feel bad.
I thought about all this on my run this AM. A run that I did at a nice, leisurely pace without my watch or my heart rate monitor or my iPod and without first consulting my training schedule because there isn't one now. I stopped to pet a friendly dog. I stopped to admire an amazing rainbow (did anyone else see that rainbow this morning?!). I have no idea how long it took me to run the 6 or so miles. I didn't even go to the exact 3 mile mark, so...I'm probably short a few tenths of a mile. And, I do not care.
This is the runner that I am. And, the runner that I want to be.
I'll still race. I still want to challenge myself and I love going to the races. Mostly I love the social aspect of the races. And, indeed, I even love running the races -- when I'm not chasing unrealistic goals and beating myself up for failing to reach them.
There's enough in my life to challenge me, what I need running to do is give me strength to face those challenges, not create more.
Comments (3)
Hi Heather,
I, too, was there at the 3-mile marker in the half. I packed it in at that point and just ran a normal run. Although I will NEVER write splits on my hand…I found the competitive part ruining the event. I didn’t run anywhere near my best and know my training runs were at faster pace this year. But worst than that I didn’t have fun in the race. Your comment on that day rings true to me as well.
Time for me to quit the track and get back to having fun with my runs. Good wake up call.
-- m.m.
Posted by heather![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.goerie.thinkhost.com/mt/runners/nav-commenters.gif)
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July 18, 2007 4:16 PM
Posted on July 18, 2007 16:16
Well Heather, I see you have come full circle. My moment of truth came during a Marine Corps Marathon. I was surrounded by 25,000 of my best friends but when I got to mile 20 I stopped cold, asked myself what I was doing, and walked the final 6.2 miles casually to the finish line. That was it I said as I had run many marathons, 10ks, 5ks, beer runs and whatever. There was nothing to prove as what you said is correct. The thrill of competition took out the joy of running. When I started running it was late in life and I had never run a block, was a blob, out of shape and was beginning to have health problems. As the miles started piling up I lost 90 plus pounds (they started to call me Auschwitz), became fairly fast and started winning trophys in the races and met people from all over the country and world that had the same interests as I did. I knew who was ahead of me and behind me as I would set my sights on beating the ones who were in my age group. But once I stopped in that marathon life suddenly became enjoyable again and running was fun. I still entered a race or two but never to beat anyone or compete. I would just saunter along and enjoy the crowds and the day. I had a heart attack a few years ago and the doctor stopped my running but I now walk every morning and bike in the afternoon. I stick my Ipod in my ear and enjoy the sunrises and surroundings and am extremely happy now that the competiveness is over. I walk a couple 10ks here in Charleston, SC and just talk to the other walkers and walk the Turkey Trot with my granddaughter. Life is good when you get to this point. Now I am just old, fat and ugly. With your frame you do not have to worry about the fat part but the old and ugly just come. Oh and say hello to your mother and dad for me and have your dad give my best to Pat Bruno. Take care.
Posted by dlyn3971![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.goerie.thinkhost.com/mt/runners/nav-commenters.gif)
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July 20, 2007 6:40 AM
Posted on July 20, 2007 06:40
Well Heather, I see you have come full circle. My moment of truth came during a Marine Corps Marathon. I was surrounded by 25,000 of my best friends but when I got to mile 20 I stopped cold, asked myself what I was doing, and walked the final 6.2 miles casually to the finish line. That was it I said as I had run many marathons, 10ks, 5ks, beer runs and whatever. There was nothing to prove as what you said is correct. The thrill of competition took out the joy of running. When I started running it was late in life and I had never run a block, was a blob, out of shape and was beginning to have health problems. As the miles started piling up I lost 90 plus pounds (they started to call me Auschwitz), became fairly fast and started winning trophys in the races and met people from all over the country and world that had the same interests as I did. I knew who was ahead of me and behind me as I would set my sights on beating the ones who were in my age group. But once I stopped in that marathon life suddenly became enjoyable again and running was fun. I still entered a race or two but never to beat anyone or compete. I would just saunter along and enjoy the crowds and the day. I had a heart attack a few years ago and the doctor stopped my running but I now walk every morning and bike in the afternoon. I stick my Ipod in my ear and enjoy the sunrises and surroundings and am extremely happy now that the competiveness is over. I walk a couple 10ks here in Charleston, SC and just talk to the other walkers and walk the Turkey Trot with my granddaughter. Life is good when you get to this point. Now I am just old, fat and ugly. With your frame you do not have to worry about the fat part but the old and ugly just come. Oh and say hello to your mother and dad for me and have your dad give my best to Pat Bruno. Take care.
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July 20, 2007 6:52 AM
Posted on July 20, 2007 06:52