My wife and I have a bit of a running argument going right now, one many sets of parents have.
To no surprise to people who know that we’re trying to raise an 8-year old and a soon-to-be 6-year old, the argument is over discipline.
My wife calls it “Picking your Battles,� but sometimes it feels more like “Losing Your Wars.�
I should preface this by admitting that my wife, a schoolteacher with summers off, spends a lot more time with my kids this time of year than I do.
Every day she watches our two girls expand the horizons of their universe, going a little bit farther up the street on their scooters, asking more and more adult sized questions, and learning more and more about the world around them.
I suppose it makes sense that they would also start really pushing the envelope defining their limits on freedom; I mean, does “no� really mean “no�?
It requires an extraordinary commitment to consistency for parents to draw the same line in the same situation every time.
The same act of rebellion that draws a mild rebuke in a rested and happy parent can evoke a nuclear meltdown in a harried and frazzled one.
A fine example of this argument came to light after a night out at a restaurant.
My youngest, bored while waiting for the food, decided that it would be cool to pour some of her water into her soft drink.
“You’re in a restaurant,� Mom says, “Don’t play with your drinks.�
So now Miss Young One, realizing that she can’t directly disobey by pouring the water, tries three different means of putting the two liquids together anyway.
She starts by first rapidly sticking her straw into each drink and back again, then trying the same move with a finger and later even her tongue.
What did I do with my tongue? I held it until after dinner, not wanting to ruin the evening.
“Did you see how she found three different ways to disobey you without doing it?� I asked my wife, obviously disturbed.
“It wasn’t that bad,� she returns, “you have to pick your battles.�
I love that line. Of course you have to pick your battles, everyone in life does, some just pick bigger ones and more of them.
The question is how to draw the line between harping on your kid every moment and letting them know that certain behavior won’t be tolerated, particularly in the face of a direct parental warning.
No one wants to live in a world where every move made by a six-year old draws fire. But if small crimes aren’t addressed, how will a kid ever know what’s right when a big decision comes along?
The lucky thing so far is that at their ages, the bad acts usually involve few things more serious than pouring water at the dinner table.
It’s okay now to wrestle with finding the line between giving my kids structure and giving them freedom, but my oldest is looking down the shoot at pre-teen and teenage years, where the decisions get bigger and the consequences more serious.
I have a feeling that the number of battles Dad will be picking will be growing as the years go on.